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Don’t really love this Oscar character. Anybody else feeling that?

Georgia (2) has learned that daddy (me) will, ultimately, grate fresh Parmesan onto any dish if it means she’ll actually eat it. I’m stoked bc it’s hard to feed toddlers and grating a bit of cheese is a lowkey cheat code, but also I’m sick of hand washing the cheese grater

AND THE ROOSTERS ARE CRACKLING BABY‼️

Me: “HIP HIP?” Section 201: “JOSÉ!” Just ripped about a dozen of these during his 8-pitch AB and everybody went NUTS when the homie reached base on error 😂😂

alright, somebody must’ve spilled their coffee at the Venmo data center

Just got upset with somebody in front of me for missing their turn at a four-way stop but then saw a big pit bull walking by and snapped into my doggie voice like “ohhhh but look at the big boy over here!!” Frustration = negated

I’m 3-for-3 on weighing TCG booster packs by hand & picking out the heaviest ones. We’re talking about a difference of weight in GRAMS. I know ball.

I probably would have cried trying to warm up under such conditions. 15 windup, 15 stretch, zero strikes

cigarettes and ramen and a little bag of dope I am a son of a bitch and Edgar Allen Poe

Well, well, well… how the turntables… Freezing Cold Takes👇

I’ve got a crisp $5 bill that says Fernando will be wearing high pants again tomorrow, anybody want this action?

Anybody able to provide a temporary home for a 4-year-old French bulldog? Asking for a friend, the good boy needs somewhere to go for 2 weeks

shit

everybody on the 805 south rn is driving like the padres lost 6 straight or something

TG Jr. dropping an “earmuffs” about the manager’s challenge is a premiere reference to one of the greatest feature-length films in American cinematic history IYKYK

Was just playing music for Georgia in the car and, after hearing Basket Case, she goes “I want America one” I thought for a moment, then played American Idiot. My girl smiled real big and started dancing like crazy in her car seat when the drums hit

Woah Nelly, tell Angelina Jolie I’m ready w petroleum jelly to smear it all over me belly And tell her she can hit me on me mobile me celly and meet in the salami section of the grocery deli

the best part of this whole sketch is when he picks up the broken clipboard and holds the two pieces together with one hand