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me: if you feed a man a burger, you feed him for a day if you feed a man a cow, he wont know what to say (because his mouth will be so full. a cow is much too big to feed a man) my dad, 1 of 5 people in the audience for my open mic night: cmon you bastards, roar! roar for my lad

John Lennon was probably joking when he said he was a walrus

I'm 115 days sober, and honestly it's the best decision I've ever made - I wouldn't have made it this far if I didn't have non-alcoholic choices like this when I'm hanging out with pals or playing gigs or whatever. I can't help but love him for this.

Tweets that could be about me

Just had Lucozade for the first time and I can only describe it as being "...." flavoured

Finally adjusting to the sun setting so early….as long as it doesn’t start, say, an hour sooner, I should be okay….

hey i came over because the grass seemed really green here but now that i’m looking back that grass actually looks crazy green so i’m gonna go

Truly hate being an adult because I never thought I'd have to take a vested interest in the budge, and now I'm on tenterhooks

In the back of an aggressive Uber and my man is HONKING THAT SHIT

I fucking HATE fireworks so god damn much, what are we achieving here!!!!

They put a lowpass filter on the Pound 😭😤😢

my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent

Tom Morello rules, RATM rules, no notes

Twin Peaks posting again

Published November 7, 1988 in North Carolina State University newspaper, "Technician"

Shut up Donald and let your son call out Gary Barlow's massive son for a scrap to decide who is the undisputed massive son champion

for anyone who voted for a convicted felon and rapist for president <3

My girlfriend just said “I can’t Кill муself because I actually deserve to live more than these people” like yeah that’s actually facts

Hi everyone, I fucking hate Elon Musk, and all this shit - but I also have internet brain worms and need to see all of my little posts Find me elsewhere.