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Hello, friends! I have created an app and I’d be honored if you folks would give it a try. It’s basically a performative texting app. 25 billion texts are sent every day. Why not share the funny ones! It’s fun. It’s free. It’s not owned by Elon. Enjoy! apps.apple.com/us/app/ramble-…

Hello, friends! Today the Family Guy writers will be pitching on a Stewie joke on my new app Ramble. It’s a private text chain for the public. Come watch us try to be funny! #texttheworld #textbigthing apps.apple.com/us/app/ramble-…

I wonder who will lose the Aaron Rodgers sweepstakes and wind up with Aaron Rodgers.

I’m beginning to think no one wrote down who killed JFK on a piece of paper.

Fyre Festival is the perfect music festival because you don’t have to actually go to it.

Just spent two hours trying to return a coffin (barely used) at Costco.

Me, 14 years into parenting: “Does anyone know any activities you can do with kids?”

It happened yesterday

I don’t think the couple I just watched split the groceries on Venmo is going to make it.

90% of parenting is just doing laundry while getting screamed at