Come to Luxury Prestige at The High Watt tonight. Then come back to bed. Doors at 7, show at 8. $7.

Top 5 Reasons why your list article with memes interrupted by generic captions could have been written by a robot.

I blew a kiss at a pitbull and he quit barking.

Cracked a joke at a guy dressed like a mobster. He liked it and gave me $1. The money and the mobster were fake but the compliment felt real

Joined a cast that rehearses every Tuesday so now every week I get to say "C U Next Tuesday" to a room full of people

Going live right now with Nashville Film Radio!

You say pizza and beer isn't a good breakfast, I say shut your dirty mouth and get outta my house! Who let you in here?!

Trying to shake the piss off my dick at a urinal makes me feel like I'm pumping a nerf gun. Maybe I'm doing something wrong.

Having a hard time deciding between going to a pool party or staying at home and reading the autobiography of Jung.

You wouldn't know what cool was if it put on sunglasses and ignored you.

These "hoverboards" have two wheels. The thing that makes it move also defies its own advertising. A unicycle is twice the hoverboard.

Chuck Norris is a millennial fashionista policewoman in ROMPER TEXAS RANGER.

Saw an old Japanese movie about an Egyptian god who worked as a Michael Jackson impersonator. I think it's called Ra Shamon. Lil too "artsy"

Gonna start a show that only charges an admission of guilt at the door

Before you say someone has crazy eyes, ask if they have new contacts!