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My infant son Shamu is 8 weeks old and I am just now finding out that apparently his name is also the name of a popular whale that kills people? No one thought to tell me???

Comedians: I know roasting is in right now, but when an uncontacted rain forest tribe shows up, leave them alone. They don't need to be told they look like [celebrity] had sex with [object], ok? Don't make fun of their hair & say their barber is the one who should be uncontacted.

Heard rumors of a pallet of untainted wet wipes at the Target, deep in the fevermalls. Turned out to be a mutate trap. Barely made it out alive. Had to use the last of the hand-sanitizer.

Went on a scavenging run into the Westlake Contaminated Zone. There I saw it, H-E-Buddy’s corpse. His paper bag body hollow, picked clean of meat and groceries. No time to bury him. No time for tears.

Shout out to all the small town mayors who are now having to MAKE DECISIONS. I know you thought your job was just going to be cutting the ribbon every time a new Sonic opens or giving out awards like "City's Best Horse", but hang in there.

A cast iron skillet has more rules than a mogwai.

If you need some nerdy listening in your life, my action movie podcast Punch Mountain is on a real fun streak right now. Co-hosted by the one they call David Jara. linktr.ee/punchmountain

I'm at that age where my friends are having kids and they're showing me pictures, but they're of baby raptors and I'm like you bred raptors?

Very excited to announce I'll be on the next season of Comedians in Cars in the Garage with the Door Closed and the Engine Running I'm Sorry for Everything Sharon

I'm so sick and tired of the way my friends react when they find out I'm an undercover narcotics officer and they're under arrest.