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"Can you play centre back?"

Phil Jones mate.

If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know? I need to borrow some chairs.

Islam Slimani to Manchester United?

Shearer reckons Chelsea scored some good goals tonight, two keeper errors and an own goal. Feel sick.

Give him the armband

This is the worst thing that's ever happened to Christian Erikssen on a football field.