What's black and metal and sits at the top of the stairs? Stephen Hawkings after a fire :)

It's not my fault, I'm only old . . .

Lady Gaga? Not on your nelly! You know what they say: big nose, big c**k!

Father Jack Hackett. That priest pure loves his catnip!

G'wan g'wan g'wan g'wan y'will Father Ted

What's black and white and ears like a horse?

A zebra

Or me, I suppose . . .

Naeb'dae oot then?

Hame alane. Jo and her toy boy out on the guest list at The Arches, or The Tunnel - or are the bastards just upstairs? Cannae check to see

Definitely something upstairs! Better set a trap. I know - a subtle combination of slippy pish and toxic/acidic jobbies

Happy new year. I've just worked out that I've spanned 3 decades! Bac of the net! :)

Just been spammed by a cyber-bot-cat. Cannae biv bivvart wi that. Anyway, when's the conclusion of Dr Who?

'mon the master!

I find the Sun, page for page, is far more absorbant

Even though I can't see I thing, I have a feelinig that this kitchen is dead dark at 1:43am . . .

Ah well - festivities over. Just as well I'll have gvavy on my face for a few weeks yet as a wee reminder. I'm not washing - I don't care!

Grit!?!? These old gits moaning about the lack of it: "Oh - Ah cannae staun up oan the ice!"

I can't even stand up properly on a carpet indoors - but do you hear me greeting about it on the news? NO!!!

They say you get grumpier as you get older - well I was born this way. You just get more opportunities to complain at my age - that's all.