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I am issuing an open invitation to any UFO pilot operating near Chicago. I will appoint you Deputy Mayor of Finance if you can bring us some gold from this asteroid to fund city pensions.

In contrast to neoliberals like Reporter William J. Kelly #thatreporter, I believe that poor people deserve to live in apartments that cost as much as rich people’s houses. That way, rich people stay in their own neighborhoods, where they belong!

They should paint this solid white. That would be more accurate for the dancing.

I think my messaging has been quite competent and consistent over the past two years.

The Bears’ move to the suburbs is a blessing in disguise. It frees up space for more people-centered investments like the New Chicago Stockyards project on the former site of Michael Reese Hospital. Free range hogs and chickens will compete for feed pellets, as nature intended!

I assure Chicagoans of all backgrounds that we will follow a fair and equitable process in determining which play cousins get lucrative city contracts.

To all the people calling me racist, I have news for you. Racism equals prejudice plus power. As a Black man in America, I don’t have any power. Therefore, none of my actions as Mayor of Chicago can be described as racist.

Now that the Bears are leaving, I can devote my attention to recruiting a UFL expansion team to the city. There’s a 50/50 chance they’d be able to beat the Bears so people shouldn’t be too upset.

On behalf of all the leftist politicians in Chicago, I want to make it clear that we do not support terrorism of any kind. We are wholly committed to inconsequential virtue signaling among ourselves, and to peacefully labeling everyone else as far-right extremists.

I’m sorry, everyone. I need to be clearer with my minions about what kind of shooting I want them to do.

Whose streets?! Our streets!!

It is a sign of hope for America that we’ve produced a white Cat Williams. I didn’t think that was possible.

Let’s make it official! Chicagoans are now welcome to shoot guns in the air from Juneteenth Day until whenever they usually stop after Independence Day (sometime in mid-July).

New York City would be a great place if it weren’t for all the capitalism. I’m glad we finally have someone like Zohran Kwame Mamdani to take the money out of NYC!

I was willing to accept Zohran Kwame Mamdani as a fellow African-American until I heard him rapping.

Thank you NASCAR for braving the streets of Chicago. It was an amazing weekend!

No one embodies the scarcity mindset more than Susana A. Mendoza ☮️. We need a leader of Chicago who spends money we wish we had, not one who saves money we don’t have!

I would do anything and everything necessary to protect the city’s young people, except hold their teachers accountable when they can’t read or do math.

Relax, everyone! I’m only talking about cigarettes.

Your move Aaron Rodgers