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“Classic Reaganism” “Undoing Biden’s budget mess” “Operation Keep the President from Saying Mean Things About Us on Social Media” mcsweeneys.net/articles/gop-e…

"This poem reads as a thinly veiled defense of undocumented immigrants. Recall that these people sneak across borders and take pork plant jobs from veterans, threatening access to quality American food products." mcsweeneys.net/articles/hope-…

"The surgery itself should be quick, maybe forty-five minutes. You will be asleep the whole time. This hat will be on my head. When we’re finished, they’ll bring you out to our post-anesthesia care unit while I continue to wear this hat." mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-am-…

"If I have to choose between a Tenth Avenue freeze-out and Trump’s Fifth Avenue hypothetical, I’ve gotta side with the leader of the free world." mcsweeneys.net/articles/im-a-…

"I don’t recognize anyone in my neighborhood anymore! Why do the kids I used to know seem to grow taller, look older, and move away? I need every political candidate to clarify their position on the passage of linear time." mcsweeneys.net/articles/the-p…

Department of Defense = Nihil consiliorum occultum tenere: “Keeping no plan secret” mcsweeneys.net/articles/more-…

"I couldn’t possibly know what works best in an office building that I never intend to have to be in, but I can tell you what looks good, and that’s a large space filled with miserable people." mcsweeneys.net/articles/im-th…

"Dance partner in a high-end pharmaceutical commercial." mcsweeneys.net/articles/how-g…

"UN-CANCEL the law professor from Legally Blonde who made a pass at Reese Witherspoon. Whatever happened to 'BOYS will be BOYS'? You should make this guy the FACE of VIEWPOINT DIVERSITY on campus." mcsweeneys.net/articles/adden…

"Using the bathroom is easy. The amazing thing about camping is that you can go anywhere so long as it’s far enough away from the campsite and you’re able to dig a hole like a prairie dog and squat like a baseball catcher." mcsweeneys.net/articles/youre…

"You have to make sacrifices. If you spend all your time with friends and family, you’ll never be lonely. But if you spend all your time practicing password entry, you’ll never be locked out of that pedometer app you’ve only used once." mcsweeneys.net/articles/on-my…

"Computer intelligence was meant to help make your food, not take your jobs. Didn’t you watch Star Trek? AI should make a mean Earl Grey, not bring about the collapse of civilization." mcsweeneys.net/articles/this-…

"Honey, I promise I understand. I remember having this same fight with my own parents while I stamped my foot in my pegged pants and screamed that they were short enough. You feel like I’m making you a social pariah. I get it." mcsweeneys.net/articles/young…

"It’s not just that we ran over the guy (it happens, I get it). But on the return trip, and every subsequent trip I’ve taken on that trolley, there is always a slightly different combination of people tied to the tracks." mcsweeneys.net/articles/a-pas…

"From my liberal woke closet, I pull out an outfit that is nefarious and confusing, and promotes my radical belief in the existence of more than two genders: jeans, a compression top, and a floral short-sleeve button-up shirt." mcsweeneys.net/articles/a-day…

"I couldn’t have done this without everyone at Random House, who, when I interrupted their shareholders meeting to pitch my idea for a coffee-table book filled with visually upsetting horses, had their security guards subdue me non-lethally." mcsweeneys.net/articles/ackno…

"We are the ghosts of the grocery store, the mythical spirits of the supermarket. You do not want to acknowledge that we exist, but we are real, and we have the power to dictate the apple economy." mcsweeneys.net/articles/we-ar…

"Pick a random Nickelodeon show aimed at seven-year-olds. Make sure it sucks. Watch it repeatedly until you start to develop a Stockholm syndrome affection for it." mcsweeneys.net/articles/how-t…

"Your monograph on Lord Byron’s juvenilia has a new reader. Bad news: It’s a graduate student, and they are going to eviscerate it in chapter 2 of their dissertation." mcsweeneys.net/articles/bruta…

"If you are female, drink one shot immediately. Underrepresented minority: one shot. Both: three shots, because intersectionality. Each shot will help you lower your expectations for fairness before you read through the comments." mcsweeneys.net/articles/revie…