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I wish they'd ban DoorDash instead of TikTok—it's the only way I'll stop ordering food.

Netflix just announced another price hike. Whoever owns the account I’m using is going to be livid.

Might try Keto because it’s the only diet where you can eat a whole block of cheese and still feel like you’re crushing it.

I know eggs are expensive now because I actually check them for cracks instead of just hoping for the best.

My gym is closed due to a “water main” break. Which, coincidentally, is also what I’d say to avoid going to the gym.

My dog standing in my doorway begging to go out… only to immediately beg to come back in.

I can’t sleep. Maybe it’s the late afternoon coffee, maybe it’s the glowing rectangle inches from my face, or maybe it’s because that same screen is showing me the slow collapse of civilization in real time.

The older you get, deciding whether to have kids is like deciding what to eat. You can have a handful of almonds or a giant burrito—but if you go for the burrito, say goodbye to a full night’s sleep.

Call it aïoli all you want, but deep down, you know it’s just ranch dressing.

I can tell I’m getting older because a car sped past my house, and I instinctively hit it with the classic disapproving head nod.

Joann Fabrics is filing for bankruptcy? Guess they were barely hanging on by a thread.

Sometimes I order a mocktail. Not because I’m sober—I just love paying $17 for juice.

Dog growls in his sleep. ME: “Get ‘em.”

Therapy is just paying someone to say “Damn, that's crazy” more professionally.

Summer body? I’m just trying to get to the point where I can mow the lawn shirtless.

The “friend who plans everything” is just the unpaid intern of the group.

I’m not “bad with money.” I’m just incredibly good at temporarily having it.

Doordash taught me that if I’m hungry enough, I’ll pay $32 for a $9 sandwich and feel grateful.

It’s 90 degrees out but with the heat index it feels like I’m being slow-roasted.

I have a stomach ache. Probably a coincidence, and not the four iced coffees and zero water.