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No US President has ever given birth so explain to me why suddenly we think that’s necessary

JD Vance treats his objects like women.

What compliments a nice cheese board? Asking for my friend Brie.

Adam is truly amazing. Like, there are not enough words to describe how utterly brilliant this guy is - But I think “genius-note-giver” just about covers it. He knows his shit. Connect with him and send him your work. You’ll regret nothing about this move. Nothing. You’re welcome

Has anyone said “I’ve just oasisted my time” yet? If not, you’re welcome.

Has anyone said “noasis” for me, yet? If not, you’re welcome.

The thing is I will look back in anger.

Wrote a brilliant joke about the queue. BUT HAVE DECIDED YOU MUST WAIT.

I’m still in the queue to see the queen’s casket.

When you buy a gun, you’re shown pictures of gunshot victims. If your neighbor suspects you of buying a gun, they can call a hotline. If you’re from a state where guns are illegal, you can be arrested if you buy a gun out of state. Oh sorry, these are all abortion laws.

Thought this lil’ guy Redd deserved a place on da Twitter-verse. Introducing Reddley Drummer Jules Slade 🥁😎 9/9/24. Mum, baby & vagina doing great 💙❤️

Linda: “I’m just gonna send a voice note bc it’s easier” EASIER FOR WHO LINDA?? EASIER FOR YOU LINDA THAT’S WHO

Vegas is currently predicting a 60% chance Trump wins. I don't say that to scare you but I also do say this to scare you. I'll never forget choosing to take someone's bar shift in 2016 thinking it would be a huge celebration and I'd make a ton of money only to work the most

The next fews days have been stressful.

WHY ARE NONE OF YOU SAYING I’m X-iting

Normalize introducing yourself with a sad fact

Billiam was the best. No notes. ❤️

Being a parent is saying "after this week things will be less crazy" every single week UNTIL YOU DIE.