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Have Man Utd and Man City not considered joining together to make a really good team called Manchester Combined? #RabDabblesInSoccer

Soup please.

Quick reminder, Gents. It’s half 6 on 13th of Feb. Time you popped down to the Esso garage for a card and a box of Ferrerie Roachies.

Had the Queen of Everything, aged 8, in my car today. She asked why I had a High-Viz vest in the door pocket of the car. I told her that it came with the car. I’ve never once considered the next question she asked me… “How did they know what size you were?” 😂

My neighbour told me he’s had a set of bamboo wind chimes stolen from his garden. He asked whether I’d seen anything because I’d been assembling a garden waste burner on the day they went missing. I hadn’t.

5 years ago?? Feels like last week 😱

Got an issue with a booking that isn’t covered by the options on BA’s website? Tried the online chat to no avail? Emailed them with full details of issue… also to no avail? Want to just speak to a human? FORGET IT. There isn’t one. I’ve tried 🤷‍♂️ British Airways

I was in The Kashmir yesterday and didn’t see any signs of trouble. I had a lovely lamb bhuna and my waiter, Daleel, gave me a free popadom.

I don’t mind the travel involved in my job. It’s just this at the end of every shift that gets me…

Do birds have noses? The reason I ask is I’ve been wondering when a beak becomes a bill on birds. Any help on either of these would be appreciated. Usual rules. No time wasters.

I only just learned tonight that the Taj Mahal was built by Richard Burton as a wedding present for Elizabeth Taylor.

I flew to Guernsey today on a very small yellow airplane. Well, I say ‘airplane’, it was more like a big exotic parrot with a couple of seats.

Shhhhh. It’s the Rock Ness Monster.

Ever wondered if there’s too many people in the world? I was working on an uninhibited island yesterday. It was like Piccadilly Circus on a Saturday afternoon.

Do you ever wonder why one of your toes gets really itchy? I just did.

Do you think Pinocchio ever lied about the length of his nose?

The excitement in these Glastonbury crowds is all very well… But what do they do about getting to the toilet?

I’ve just seen a woman wearing crocs. And she’s not even a dental hygienist.

I’ve just spent 20 minutes trying to get the skin off an easy peeler satsuma.