I'm living with the happiest basil plant ever

My beautiful budgie and dear friend Jim passed away yesterday. You might think it's mental being affected by the death of something so small, but if you've ever owned one you'll know how much of a hole they leave when they go. This one's for you Jim the Budge, love ya x

As an avid fan of Norse and Celtic folklore, this playthrough of Hellblade has been made even more astounding. Thank you Ninja Theory , you've won

2 interesting things that have happened on my 6 hour train so far: - watched a woman tan an entire can of pringles in a few minutes - the entirety of my metal filling just fell out Not even 1 hour in, who knows what awaits me in hour no. 2

Glad to see someone's finally putting their foot down about those speeding child drivers

On a 2.5 hour ScotRail train to Glasgow sitting on the floor as there were no seats. Then the train staff offered me a seat in first class as there were a few available in there. Well done ScotRail -- take note @VirginTrains, this is how you deal with congestion

Just on the train again. A woman just sniffed her baby's arse and said "have you shat?"

Just in an Uber being driven by a bloke called Jihad, and he's popped on a CD called "Romantic Relaxing Sensual Music"

"I'm going to cut off your head now" "Fair enough" I drew Mimir. Here's his head Santa Monica Studio – God of War Ragnarök #godofwar

Glad to see Tesco is supporting tea-strength positivity on its packaging. This is the REAL colour of a brew. We need to stop reinforcing unrealistic brew standards #MeTea

I'd be far more inclined to pay my tax if the custom of payment was to drop a big bag of gold in front of the Queen or something

Why am I tweeting about tax at 3am

Features of moving into an empty flat: - washing hair with shower gel - sleeping under dressing gown - making toast in a pan - brushing my teeth with a cactus - discovering the wheel - growing legs and leaving the ocean

Just settled into a 4 hour train journey and was about to start a film when suddenly a gaggle of rowdy drunk women plonk themselves in all the seats around me and proceed to say "sorry in advance for the noise" Guess the film can wait then

Hey folks here's my impression of a guy who's wet the bed on Christmas day: "oh no I've wet the bed and it's Christmas day"

Madness with #saltrock at @iomcyclefest !

Quick stop in a lovely local toilet on the way to play Carradale Music Fest tonight!