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I moved to Philadelphia to work on my mental health which is like moving to New Orleans to work on your drinking problem

Couple of years ago I voted for AOC at Frank Sinatra high school then I went across the street to get a bagel and ran into Michael Rappaport and I realized I had experienced the most New York day possible and it was time to leave

Saw a bunch of smoke rising a few blocks away and I thought they had picked a new pope but I guess a building is just on fire

Trump wants me to go to the running of the bulls and be the color red czar 😫

Pete Hegseth won’t see your jokes making fun of him for being fired for drinking on the job—but you know who will? Me, someone who loves your jokes about Pete Hegseth getting fired for drinking on the job.

Where there smoke there’s fire. Or a new pope.

The government is going to give mothers money as encouragement to have babies? Yeah ok Elon Musk already tried that over DM and you all tried to cancel him for it 🙄

Cannot be repeated enough that they’re not deporting people. They’re sending them to a mega prison in El Salvador. It’s like if a lost kid showed up at your doorstep and instead of welcoming them in or even returning them home, you sent them to a mega prison in El Salvador.

Declaring that someone isn’t conventionally attractive is the most polite way to say that they’re ugly but you still would

Saw 4 guys working at 5 guys today. That’s a recession indicator.

My phone is always like “you’re too close you’re too close - you could get hurt” bro why do you have intimacy issues?

My girlfriend’s dog is obsessed with licking the fertilizer in her garden which ultimately led to me yelling the phrase “why won’t you stop eating shit?!” for the first time in my life tonight

The government: I’m throwing a 20% cover charge on your business Amazon: They’re throwing a 20% cover charge on our business The government: what the fuck I thought that was between us

Pitch: The Kill Tony Awards. A night where we bring together broadway’s most talented stars and standup comedy’s most has one good minute comedians.

Every Nike reimagined shoe is like “what if it was bad”

I thought I was a guitar person but I think I might just be a telecaster person

Deep down I still think everything is going to be okay and my friend said that’s because I’m white. I disagree. I think it’s because I’m stupid.

Every time I see smoke I think there’s a new pope but it turns out there’s just an arsonist in my town