This human laptop thing can’t do productivity if I lie on it all evening. Fools, I don’t even know the password, I’m a cat

First day back at school as a Year 54. More questions than answers. Like why have I got a Y10 group but no room to teach them in. We can go on the concrete balcony over the foyer. What could go wrong?

Let’s rock Gruenpool

Medium kinder is 22 today. Her famous quote “ I fucking knew she’d die on my birthday, everybody will be sad and I want to party”

I does the checks for dangly things in the wrapping paper

Bad gift 13a.

Hit my head on a light socket (sans bulb) in my cellar. So hard it gave me mild concussion. It also made me recoil in pain so much I’ve got whiplash.

I’m getting followed by lots of young girls in skimpy outfits. Their bio’s don’t really outline many interests. Never happened when Twitter was real

Are they filming a new ted lasso series down the Wolves?

I’m setting my meat tax to 2.68%.

This place is like a former cool pub with bands and good beer and food that’s gone Downhill. Now only carling, John smiths, peanuts and a karaoke night. The clientele have moved on accordingly. Elof Twitler ain’t a good host, except for parasites

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a country in possession of intelligence, must be in want of a decent government. #ToriesBrokeBritain #ToriesOut

I has been doing hooman appliance testing today. Lovely and warm in here #catswithjobs

Can I cash in my British values as they are worthless to me?

Here’s rare for you. 75km ride. Only two ‘not so generous’ passes. Everyone else held back, pulled wide, slowed, exactly as the rule book. Kudos to the merc e-suv who actually moved into the muddy ditch on a single track lane. #roomforall

Dead on here isn’t it?

Robbie Williams is very quiet these days. He was a massive attention seeker, what gives?

Fake engagement is all this place has now.

You just know Var guy has his finger on that button.

Proper full of racist scum on here now. Just like Uber fuckturd himself.