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nah just messin around

kept my mouth shut on this for a while. These are not scissors

the rat race sounds really cute and fun

Do other veggies look at cucumber and be like “Cool as him? I’m way cooler than that asshole.” ya know? Like carrots and squash and stuff? Do you think that ever happens? (in the veggieverse)

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened. And you only got 4 years of parole for it 😌

Music video director from the 80s “Gonna need a lot of chain link fences and cages.” “Okay, but the video takes place inside” “I know”

A really good anti smoking ad would be to remake the scene from broke back mountain when the gay cowboy says “I can’t quit you!” but when the camera pans over he’s talking to a giant cigarette wearing a cowboy hat

Two roads diverged in the woods I took the one less travelled Biggest mistake of my life

If you’re not having the same endless conversations about every single aspect of stand up comedy several times a week then are you even really talking?