they should invent a birthday that doesn’t make you cry

my birthday is in 4 days and all I got is AARGHGHHHHHAHHHHGGHHHHH

“but doctor,” the man said with tears in his eyes, “I fucked pagliacci’s wife and now he’s really mad at me”

the gasp I just let out… im crying

the most embarrassing thing that can happen to you is to be at your partner’s family’s home and then have to pee and then HAVE TO PEE AGAIN

I used to say Busch Gardens Tampa, but they've taken such a nosedive in quality in recent years. The rides are still fantastic, but all the other stuff that used to make it special has fallen by the wayside. Not sure I've got a better answer though. Will have to think about it.

,,,,,,,

you wouldn’t last an hour in the asylum where they raised me

if I was a star trek tng account I would tweet this pic with the caption “riker”

every potato chip is homemade when you live in the lays factory!

this is what they make me wear at work

but you’re not ready to hear this

okay :)

toynbee tile at 43rd and 3rd nyc 10/31/2024

me: glioblastoma would be a beautiful name for a baby girl my neurologist: i need your verbal confirmation that you understand what I’m saying

stick my fork in an outlet this is my last resort