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There is a 'Send', there is a 'Resend'... For the love of God why can't there be an 'Unsend'?!?

Every morning I forget how to human.

Nice tan, what's your race? Carrot?

Me: I'm gonna lose weight.Me: I'm gonna exercise every day! Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it!!Me: Is that cake?

Shouldn't you be in my bed?

My room is either the temperature of antarctica or the gates of hell.

Fat, single and ready for a Pringle.

My mom thinks my friends are bad influences. But honestly, I'm usually the one coming up with the ideas.

Thank you for putting your daily work schedule on your Facebook status, I have no idea what I'd do w/o that useless piece of information

I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.

Don't play with a woman's heart, she only has one. Play with her boobs, she's got two of those!

Saying 'Wow, You're cool.' when you see someone doing something stupid.

My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said 'I wanna watch.'

Oh, you're at Starbucks? Please post pictures of your coffee, I've never seen one before

You're as useless as the 'g' in 'Lasagna.'

String cheese is the sexiest of the cheeses. It's like you get to undress it.

When I'm depressed I cut myself.... a piece of cake

When I text someone in the same room as me, I stare at them until they get it.

I wish my work would pay me to tweet all weekend like they do all week

'Dude that song is old.' 'So is your mom, but you still listen to her.'