I’ve watched 43 episodes of The Americans on Prime Video and not one minute of it has been in sync. Other than that it’s terrific.

A man on Homes Under The Hammer this morning said “an investor from Leicester” without cracking a smile. What’s the world coming to?

New tv show idea; “DIY SAS” Ant Middleton, Foxy and the lads scream and shout swear words at Nick Knowles as he tries to install a Velux window into a Victorian mid terrace loft conversion.

I know it’s early, but I wanted to be the first to wish you a happy new year before the networks get too busy. X

I wonder how many paper clips and post-it notes Donald Trump swiped from the White House stationary cupboard today.

Last night I dreamt that I picked up a load of Lego from the front room floor, put it in a bowl, then took the bowl upstairs. This morning I actually picked up a load of Lego from the front room floor, put it in a bowl and took it upstairs. Dreams really can come true guys.

The best thing about being an adult is that you can have a cup of tea whenever you want one.

This week I’ve learnt that it’s really hard to maintain a conversation with someone when your child uppercuts you in the bollocks mid chat.

To the man in the ice cream van who plays his “tune” outside my house at 7.30pm when I’m putting my kids to bed every night, I want you to know I think you’re a dick.

I’d like to formally apologise to my mother Sylvia for getting the hump when she tried to hoover around me when I was watching tv as a child. It turns out it’s much more annoying being the adult hoovering than it is being the child watching telly.

To the person who was hammering in their garden at 06.45 this morning, you’re not my friend and you’re not invited to my birthday party.

Film makers, looking for inspiration for a torture scene for a future James Bond movie? Can I suggest our plucky hero is tied to a chair and forced to watch a child attempting to neatly put stickers in a sticker book, it’s horrific, he’ll give up his country’s secrets in a second

You can now sign up for GOSH Charity’s annual virtual fun run, #RBCRaceForTheKids! Run, walk, wheel or scoot a route of your choice and raise vital funds for Great Ormond Street Hospital Charity. Cover your kilometres over the weekend of 16-17 October 🍂🛴 bit.ly/3fQH8kY

That “woman in the house across the street from the girl in the window” is a comedy right?

If you fancy a fun activity for all the family, join Great Ormond Street Hospital Charity in Hyde Park on 8 October for #RBCRacefortheKids. You’ll have a great day and be helping the seriously ill children treated at Great Ormond Street Hospital for Children. So please sign up gosh.org/get-involved/f…

It’s been a wild six months fitting everything in but I’ve written a flippin’ book. If you are a dad, have a dad or know a dad you’re going to bloody love this. Out November - just in time for Christmas. Pre-order now, if you fancy! amzn.eu/d/fltncIQ

Fancy a lovely (and not particularly late) night out London? Come along, it’ll be a blast! tickettext.co.uk/SGSvWS81Q4

Thanks to Mat Riley for the mention in his new book Great British Dad-ventures. With endless stunning places to visit in #dumfriesandgalloway it's an honour to make the highlights.

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Little did Mat Riley know that just 9 short years after this picture was taken he would be the guest on the first Get Shirty Podcast Live podcast at the TWFringe! Sometimes dreams do come true! 😆😁 We are can't wait to chat with Mat. Get your tickets from the Fringe website!