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Got new iPhone because they finally made iPhone 4 obsolete, at least the email. It's humongous. People are gonna be like, "Tim, is that an iPhone Pro Max in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"

“The Irishman” is 3.5 hours long. My attention span is, like, 1.5 hours.

Hey HP! I don’t give a crap if the cartridges are aligned. Can I freaking print some time this year?!!!

Let’s try Happy Christmas and Merry New Year this time. Shake things up a little.

So my brother got me a $100 Visa prepaid card for Christmas. I got him $100 cash. Who won? #YouNetflix

Holy shit! The raccoons sounded like they were murdering a contingent of little people!

At the Villa Paul restaurant in Hampton Bays. People at the bar are talking intently about “Star Wars.”

I’m going to the supermarket. Wish me luck.

i vote essay 10. #2020VillanovaStudentEssayChallenge

Hmm, what shall I do today? A: nothing. B: nothing or C: nothing.? So many options.

Ugh. Can’t believe I’m watching another “NBA Classic.”

I miss people. Remember them?

There's a bird by my window that sounds like the smoke detector when the battery is low.

What? Game Stop is not essential?

Twitter recommended a friend for me and it was a mental health nurse

Pete Rose must be having a cow every time one of these Draft King commercials run during the baseball playoffs.

Hey HP. I just bought new cartridges and it won't let me print anything until I align the freakin' cartridges. I don't want to align the cartridges. I just want to print! I've already wasted about four pages on this. And one of the printers doesn't even have a scanner.

I miss the bottom of people’s faces

What’s a fleet?

Let’s see, trick or treaters go to school in the daytime, so they won’t know I didn’t buy any candy.