I make my stage debut tonight at the Yard Theater in the best play since Good Play. I hope I don’t get nervous and puke on Eli

2023 I’m getting absolutely ripped so I can Jack off FASTER

If you start to date a lady you have 2 weeks max before you need to help them with their car

My girlfriend was trying to tell me I’m smart and I shouldn’t joke that I’m dumb. Less than an hour later she earnestly warned me not to eat the top part of a strawberry… like the leaves.

My wife: why is there bite marks in the fancy cheese? Me: must be the rats. Wife: well, I talked to the rats and they said they weren’t here this weekend. Me: (Jerry saying Newman voice) rats!

Tonight in LA

I would rip my own head off and spin it on my finger like a basketball

NYC pals go to this tonight!!

If I keep singing this Burger King song about eating Burger King well guess what dipshit, I’m gonna want some Burger King

When I was 15 we didn’t like a kid so we got a bunch of crickets from the pet store and let them loose in his car. If you wrong me I will treat you like Old Testament god treated Egypt

Deleting a tweet that gets no likes in the first three hours then googling “how to get revenge”

War hero tells incredibly moving stories in Band of Brothers season 2 trailer

Excited to partner with Native body wash to spread this important message

These bee brothers sound like they are millionaires and definitely don’t kiss together

For some reason I decided to learn about bugs last night. Bad idea. I had a bad night last night.

I have tweet notifications on for my boy Dylan Subiza and Adam Schefter. So sometimes the notifications make it look like Dylan ripped a great joke right before he broke news of a 3 year extension for Eagles OT Jordan Mialatta

Every time I wanna kill myself I put on adams song by blink 182 and I say no. Not today.

Welcome! Mi caca es su caca!

Having girlfriend is crucial because every 14 months a man is hit with the uncontrollable urge to shave off all his hair and start wearing huge jeans and wife beaters. man needs woman to tell him that that’s insane