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No matter how many times I’ve been told, I still cry over spilled breast milk

Vanilla is cool, strawberry...but chocolate is my flavorite

Sometimes I need to take a quicker shower. So I’ll quick-wash my arms, legs, and torso. But still go over my balls and shaft 25 times

Nothing. Is more magical than music. I will fight to the death defending that

Ok maybe except space but while we’re here we might as well define magical #SpaceIsJustMath

Just saw a sign at a bar “It’s much easier to start the day when you know it will end with beer.” Theres so many things wrong with that. First and foremost, it’s so much easier to start the day WITH a beer and just continue the day WITH more beers smh

Man, it is so much fun to really run wild with your imagination. Exercise: next time you’re in a mundane stop n’ chat, imagine the person you’re talking to is Mr. Hanky. Elevate that situation instantly

I will not be satisfied with myself until my entire body is tatooed in leopard print

I often wonder. Did I grow my beard, or did my beard grow me? 🤔

You gotta lose 2 win

I HAVE to align my mind and body. Phooey

U should never discount the value of a good guy

Minka Masquerade going down TONIGHT at Warehouse on Watts. we have masks for first 300 guests. deetz here: facebook.com/events/3625359…

Drinking and driving isn’t worth the risk of getting a DIY

Danica Patrick can eat 6 Philly cheesesteaks in 25 minutes

People just don’t know how good they have it. Unless how they have it sucks. Then, they probably know.

There’s no business like show business. Actually this year there was just no show business period

If you still can’t think of any resolutions yet lemme give you a slam dunk: take more bubble baths. You’re welcome