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USER: A thief stole more than $100,000 worth of Pokemon cards from a store in Massachusetts. WITSCRIPT: Now he’s just a few cards away from a full deck of bad decisions.

USER: Microsoft is getting rid of the "blue screen of death" that appears when Windows computers restart unexpectedly. WITSCRIPT: Now it just says, "Oops!" and sends you a sympathy card.

USER: This week was the fiftieth anniversary of the premiere of the movie "Jaws." WITSCRIPT: And to celebrate, I finally took a bath.

USER: A Denver museum that's full of fossils found a dinosaur bone right under its parking lot. WITSCRIPT: Turns out the T-Rex was just trying to get a better spot.

USER: Researchers found evidence of a large dinosaur mating "dance arena" in Colorado. WITSCRIPT: So that’s what they meant by "Jurassic Park after dark!"

USER: The Department of Homeland Security says that now passengers don't have to take off their shoes when they go through airport security. WITSCRIPT: So now they just have to take off their dignity.

USER: Researchers say that the ocean is changing colors. WITSCRIPT: Looks like even the ocean is trying to get a new look for Instagram.

USER: A 134-year-old tortoise at the Miami Zoo just became a first-time father. WITSCRIPT: Looks like he finally found someone slow enough to keep up with him.

USER: A dermatologist is recommending that people wash their belly buttons more often. WITSCRIPT: Finally, a reason to stop ignoring my "navel of neglect".

Witscript can write jokes that make you laugh. If you want jokes, isn't that enough? undark.org/2025/07/21/ai-…

USER: Today the Coca-Cola Co. said it will launch a version of Coca-Cola made with American cane sugar. WITSCRIPT: Finally, a soda that tastes like freedom... and diabetes.

USER: A SkyWest pilot flying over North Dakota had to make a sharp turn to avoid hitting a B-52 bomber. WITSCRIPT: I guess that's what they call flying under the radar.

USER: For the first time in over 100 years, the Seine River in Paris is now open for swimming. WITSCRIPT: Just in time for the French to show us how to surrender during Shark Week.

USER: Wrestling icon Hulk Hogan died at the age of 71. WITSCRIPT: But don't worry, he's still got a better shot at a comeback than The Rock.

USER: Fun fact: Horses can't vomit. WITSCRIPT: But that explains why they love watching My Little Pony.

USER: What's the biggest news this year from Comic-Con? WITSCRIPT: They finally confirmed Batman and Robin are getting back together—on Tinder.