ME: Just a little off the top. EXECUTIONER: Lmfao smh *pulls guillotine lever*

a single sour patch kid would kill a pilgrim instantly

NEW: A senior member of Twitter’s legal team just posted this message in Slack:“Everyone should know that our CISO, Chief Privacy Officer and Chief Compliance Officer ALL resigned last night. This news will be buried in the return-to-office drama. I believe that is intentional.”

Twitter's San Francisco headquarters has gone hardcore tonight. #TwitterTakeover

“i’ll be right there!” i shout to my friends piling into the last bus of the night. i turn back to take one long last look at the empty room before switching off the light. “damn, they really did do surgery on a grape”

The end of Twitter will be like the beginning when it was funny and that’s what people were on here for was to have fun and make jokes not for the bullshit. Thanks a lot everybody for all the laughs forever. #elonsucks #ElonMuskIsaGiantTurd #ElonIsDestroyingTwitterIsTheBest

6,085 days. Not even a third of the way there.

"do u want to go to the bar" no my brother i want to lay on some warm rocks like a walrus

Hahaha. Democrat Rep. Katie Porter in the chamber during #SpeakerVote

Gyms in 2023 😂😂😂😂

Andy Dufrane is weeping looking over the Pacific… #RIPRaquelWelch

#HappyBirthdayGeorgeTakei George Takei WoodyAndWilcox Wilcox

The audio captured during the impeachment walk is crazy.

Winning

one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process

the boss hands me a gun, "you know what to do." I nod. outside, I frantically google: boss gun why how to kill is killing ok regift gun ok

"What's that?" That's a T-Rex "That?" Pterodactyl "That one?" Apatosaurus "This?" That's Gary. He fucks the dinosaurs at night. *Gary waves*