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The 3 stages of British people and the weather. 1. WHERE IS THE SUN? WHY IS IT RAINING? WILL WE EVER SEE SUNSHINE? BRITISH WEATHER SUCKS! 2. YAY! SUNSHINE! SO HAPPY! 3. IT'S TOO HOT. I THINK THE HEAT WILL KILL ME! I WILL LITERALLY DIE FROM THE HOT. WILL WE EVER SEE RAIN AGAIN?

I don't like to brag about how mature and brave I am but, in this hot weather, I’ve been sleeping with one foot dangling outside of the bed where monsters could grab it.

Characters from various kids TV shows dancing to Firestarter by The Prodigy.

As always in hot weather, thoughts and prayers to all the large breasted women who are suffering from under boob sweat, bra chafing and the struggle to find pretty, lightweight tops that your tits can’t escape from.

As the weather is so hot I asked the Hermes delivery driver if he'd like a bottle of cold water. When he said yes I dropkicked it over a fence into my neighbour's rose bush and told him I'd left it in a designated safe space.

Geoffrey and Bungle from Rainbow, but they’re dancing to ‘Smack My Bitch Up’ by The Prodigy.

It's 9 years today since Prince died. So a reminder, again of this, because sometimes sadness can still bring laughter.

Shout out to the man in the post office earlier whose feet had obviously got wet while wearing Crocs in the rain, because every step he took made a noise like a duck quacking.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing us that when the washing machine says it has one minute left on the cycle that it'll actually be finished in one minute.

In this hotter weather, remember a damp towel draped across your dog’s shoulders is a good way of cooling them down, and also lets you see what they’d look like if they decided to take up boxing.

Happy birthday to Sir David Attenborough. 99 today!

“Well done to Maureen, the winner of tonight’s Bingo top prize of £20. Drinks are on you, eh, love! Next up is the Meat Raffle. But first, the owner of the silver Fiesta parked by the bins, you've left your lights on."

Saw a video on Instagram that pointed out that Dirty Dancing came out in 1987 and was set in 1963, so if it was remade now in 2025 then it would be set in 2001, and now I need a little lie down in a dark room for a while.

On a cruise. In the lift earlier the music playing was the song the band played in ‘Titanic’ as the ship was sinking. Totally appreciate the humour of the person responsible for this.

"Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should."

[sees neighbour washing their car] Brain: Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. Mouth: You missed a spot! Brain: WHAT THE HELL?!! Mouth: You can do mine next! Brain: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!

Trying to get a tan in the hot weather.

RIP British Summer Ur wiv da angles now 🕯️

Apparently it’s 10 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.