“BUT IF PEOPLE POX CAME FROM MONKEY POX, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEY POX?” – Stupid People, probably.

That Vin Scully could say so much with so few words is really driven home in the age of Stephen A Smith who uses so many words and decibels to say so little.

Shiiiiiiiddd I wouldn’t even have trusted him with Pop Secret.

Not surprised the Secret Service didn’t tell Nancy Pelosi she was under threat of murder. SECRET SERVICE is an anagram for TREE’S CREVICES. What lives in a tree’s crevices? Fruit bats! And FRUIT BATS is itself an anagram for TRUST A FIB. So clearly, these guys are shady.

Allow me to vent for a moment about this great injustice happening in Malaysia. paulogata.com/2022/crackhous…

American Airlines said “forget baby carrots, you gon eat these teenage carrots.” The lounge is so noisy now with crunching sounds.

It’s not all the time that my audience members will shout Cameroonian sexual assault statistics or threaten me with death by Thai hookers. But tonight’s show be like that. #Temecula

Guy in the front row was VISIBLY FURIOUS the whole show because he missed seeing Aaron Judge hit his 61st home run while driving to Vegas. His wife brought him to my show to cheer him up. DAMMIT JIM, I’M A COMEDIAN, NOT A MIRACLE WORKER.

CONGRATULATIONS AARON JUDGE! Maybe now this guy ⬇️ can go see a comedy show in peace.

Rest in Power, Delicate Flower. We lost another great one, folks. #RIPJudyTenuta

TODAY AT THE AIRPORT Karen: The sausage in this rat-a-tat-oolie is disgusting. Waiter: Ma’am, it’s not sausage. It’s eggplant. And it’s pronounced Ratatouille. Not Rat-a-tat-oolie. Karen: WELL SOME PEOPLE PRONOUNCE IT THAT WAY. Waiter: (under his breath) The stupid ones.

Wow! For my birthday I got an extra hour to sleep, celebrate or rue the inexorably rapid dilapidation of my corporeal shell. #grateful

Billy Jean King made a special appearance tonight at Elton John’s penultimate US concert. But I was really hoping for Tony Danza.

IF YOU BRAKE WHILE DRIVING UPHILL YOU SHOULD BE SHOVED UNDER A BED WITH THE REST OF THE MONSTERS

Please share and help my friend’s 15-year-old daughter after a prescription antibiotic destroyed her liver and left her with a rare autoimmune disease. Thank you Twitter. cota.org/campaigns/COTA…

Ugh my Uber guy is having problems driving half-submerged. I shoulda called a Scuber. #socalrain

I’m in the waiting room at the chiropractor’s and his diploma is crooked on the wall. Should I just leave?

Former NBA center Danny Schayes (1981 1st round, 13th pick) came to my show at Brad Garrett’s Comedy Club at the MGM Grand Hotel. You should too! I’m here for 2 more shows, tonight and Sunday at 8pm.

LANDLORD: You’re a week late writing the rent check. ME: I’m not writing anything now in solidarity with the striking writers. #wga

Pilot announced ATC put us in a holding pattern for 20 mins, but not to worry because we have 40 mins of fuel. And I felt how my wife feels when I let the car get to 1/16 tank. 1 hour later we landed and I’VE NEVER FELT MORE VINDICATED.