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die hard is a hanukah movie.

Home Alone is a Die Hard movie.

i used to love mitch hedberg jokes. i still do, but i used to, too. #happybirthdaymitch

if books are so great, how come they can't remember what page i'm on like netflix does?

i don't think it takes infinite monkeys to create all the works of shakespeare. just one really evolved, talented, hard-working monkey born in the 16th century who was named shakespeare. i mean, we have all the works of shakespeare. that monkey did it!

“hos before hos before hos” — Santa

This Week at Helium | THESE GUYS! Live, Going Deep with Chad and Jt, Tyson, Myq (Parenthetical) Kaplan, + Mojo Brookzz! Grab your tickets now: bit.ly/3QzPDCy

JUST ANNOUNCED! NY ❤️ LA (A Benefit Show) on Monday, January 27th! An evening of comedy and music featuring Phoebe Robinson, Todd Barry, Chris Gethard, Myq (Parenthetical) Kaplan, Sydnee Washington, Zach Zimmerman, Seaton Smith & music from Louis Cato! Tickets on sale now: tinyurl.com/3y64vjk5

Producing this thing to support people impacted by the LA fires, feel free to buy a ticket or retweet to spread the word. Tickets: Tinyurl.com/NYClovesLA

now that Meta isn’t fact-checking anymore, is it even true that Meta isn’t fact-checking anymore?

Had a great conversation with the hilarious Myq Kaplan, the only man I know who could be a comedian and simultaneously a spiritually advanced lama! Discussed my book, Tribalism is Dumb. Myq (Parenthetical) Kaplan podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/and…

I’ll be in Kansas City (with the marvelous mirth-purveyor, Myq (Parenthetical) Kaplan) in but 1.5 fortnights; for more information, or to confirm the above if, somewhere along the way, I have lost your trust, I humbly implore you to please gently click thecomedyclubkc.com/events/108357

Michigan tonight and tomorrow! OneNightStansComedyClub ! onenightstans.club/ComedyTickets/…

I had such a wonderful conversation with comedian and writer @MyqKaplan on his podcast "Broccoli and Ice Cream" -- which may be one of the best titles for a podcast I've ever seen. He's funny and prioritizes good faith. Great conversationalist. broccoliandicecream.libsyn.com/381-charlotte-…

May is stacked with comedic talent at Acme Comedy Co. From returning favorites to rising stars, it’s the kind of month you don’t want to miss! Check out who’s coming through and grab your tickets now 🚨🎟️ Get tickets: acmecomedy.seatengine.com

Next week’s headliner Myq (Parenthetical) Kaplan may just be the richest man In comedy 🎶😂 🎟️ Get tickets to see Myq live at Acme next week: May 21st-24th! Tickets: acmecomedy.seatengine.com/events/111516

The egg industry is even worse than you think 💔 In partnership with Mercy For Animals, High Impact Athletes, and over 100 compassionate celebrities all around the world, we're taking a stand against the abuse! 🐔

"i like big butts" "can you lie?" "i think so" "not what we're looking for, sorry. next!"

to ghost someone = disappear to werewolf = only show up once a month to vampire = doesn't invite you in to mummy = be dead in egypt

"what's your favorite die hard movie?" "the grinch that stole christmas" "the grinch isn't a die hard movie" "to me it is"